Comunicados

(AP) Tensions boiled over in Southern Ontario last night when irate fans of the Dunnville Mudcats staged angry protests around the local arena, angrily denouncing GM and President Paul Roedb and his fellow management team. Mired in an eight game losing streak with no end in sight, the boiling point appears to have been reached with a 19-1 blowout loss to visiting Quebec outfit Fleur de Lys, as well as the just announced addition to the club’s Briar Patch arena parking lot.

Following the home defeat, once again played by largely a C+ version of the current roster, the club made a public address announcement with about five minutes remaining in the dismal rout. The Briar Patch parking has seen fifteen seasons with no upkeep or additions, causing friction with a local fan base that regularly sells out Mudcat home games. More galling was the exclusive use of the new parking addition, promised as private parking for Mudcat management, administration and VIP’s, excluding paying fans. Following the sell-off of ten of the best team veterans earlier this season, team management spent some of the proceeds on eight new limousines, again for exclusive management use.

After angry fans had to be removed by security at the conclusion of the game, many stayed behind, protesting at the front doors of the arena. At approximately 9:15 pm local time, Roedb, flanked by team Attorney and former adult film star Ed Valentine and HR Specialist, appeared on the roof of the complex, Roedb clearly intoxicated and making obscene gestures at the approximately 1,100 gathered locals. Shortly after the team’s new helicopter, nicknamed the Aircat due to its resemblance to the controversial team puck “Cat With Dirty Anus”, arrived on top of the arena to pick up the three team officials.

Fans, understandable, were furious. Dunnville local and long-time team fan Ethel Cranbrook expressed a common theme: “Roedb is such an &%%hole! He is such a bad role model for the youngsters here in Dunnville.” Local machinist Darren Kumitz agreed, directing his anger towards the latest arena upgrade. “I have bought season’s tickets for nine seasons now. Every year, the parking price just goes up and up and it’s hard to get a spot. We have to car pool now to cut costs.”
Roedb has had a long-running abrasive relationship with both the small Ontario town and its population. Regularly mocking the quaint farming community’s limited resources and facilities, he also directs his nastiness to the area’s education levels and social structures. He is on record for suggesting locals aspire to “inbred hillbilly” status and that the town is the “birthplace of the modern housefly”.

As the team’s new chopter rose above the angry mob, Roedb can be seen screaming out of the half-opened side door, followed by a suspicious stream of liquid descending as the vehicle disappeared into the night sky.

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