Communiqués de Presse

The Grand Rapids Rampage have had a lot to celebrate this season, but nothing has made the news quite like their recent forays into the player market.

It was reported that early Sunday morning Rampage GM and owner Cory Martin was making an offer for a clone of NHL superstar Sidney Crosby. Scouts seem to think he doesn't have the natural talent of his predecessor, but could still contribute to the team immediately. However, that situation did not pan out. Instead the Rampage acquired the clone of former NHL winger Richard Zedník. Unlike Crosby, Zedník will be more of a project. Zedník is best known in the NHL for suffering a near fatal neck injury in February of 2008 from the skate of former teammate Olli Jokinen.

"It's amazing what they're doing with genetics out there these days. A guy goes out for dinner and the next thing you know a waiter is selling his napkin to a DNA lab to grow a copy of him in a tube to sell to hockey clubs," commented Martin. "The process is far from perfect though. Sure, Zedník seems fairly close to the original in his potential, but Crosby fell far short, and it will still take some work to get Zedník on track. It's like being told you're getting Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls and then realizing you got the Lindsay Lohan from any time after 2006. The name's there, but the rest is a mess."

Aside from the signing, the Rampage are also celebrating their team record. The club is 18-0-0-1 at the midway point of the season and in control of first place in League III.2. This success has made sponsors take notice, as the Rampage have ads on their ice for the first time.

"It's nice to see some stuff on the ice, but really management needs to focus on the rest of the arena. We've still got Boy Scouts holding up scorecard placards to earn their merit badges, we send Hooters girls who need a second job out to scrape the ice manually between periods, and we've got people in the neighborhood charging fans to park in front of their house to go to games," said team captain Alexander Hanzlík.

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TRANSACTIONS
The Rampage purchased star center Rudolf Ivaneža's contract from the Red Hang Gliders for a paltry $829,583 early in the season. Scouts believe Ivaneža could be the best player on the team and could even take over the number one center spot as early as the playoffs after he meshes more with the team. To make room for Ivaneža, longtime defenseman Sergey Yaroshenko's contract was sold to Washington Russia.

Richard Zedník's contract was purchased from club WOOOW.eu for $578,813. To make room on the roster, Neal Bishop, whom had been with the club since its inception in Season 9, was released. Fans and management alike will watch to see how this project develops.

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